Why I Had to Break Up With My To-Do List (For My Mental Health)

I thought planning everything would help me feel in control—but it started controlling me. Here's how I simplified for peace, clarity, and self-trust.

In the weeks after I gave birth, I was swimming in lists. Grocery lists, nap schedules, pumping trackers, future daycare research, thank-you notes I hadn't written. Some were scribbled on post-its, some lived in apps, others in half-used journals I swore would keep me "on top of things." I believed that staying organized was the key to feeling in control. And for a little while, it helped. There was something calming about outlining my day, checking boxes, color-coding the chaos.

But as the days wore on, the lists started taking over. They weren't easing my anxiety—they were feeding it. I'd look at my unfinished tasks and feel a sinking wave of failure. My self-worth became tied to productivity. And instead of feeling supported by my planning, I started feeling buried under it. I was doing so much—so much invisible labor—but all I could see were the unchecked boxes.

When Structure Starts to Hurt Instead of Help

Many moms on Reddit and in support forums have opened up about this quiet emotional spiral. What starts as a helpful structure—especially for new mothers trying to navigate massive life change—can quickly turn into a source of guilt, shame, and mental overload.

Planning can be a form of self-care. But perfectionist planning? That's self-sabotage in disguise. When our tools for "keeping it together" become evidence of falling apart, it's time to pause and ask what's really going on.

I began to realize that I wasn't making lists because I had too much to do. I was making them because I was trying to outrun the anxiety. I was trying to predict, prevent, and prepare for everything, just to feel like I had a handle on my new, unrecognizable life.

Why So Many Moms Over-Plan

Psychologists say that over-planning is often rooted in anxiety and a fear of failure. As new moms, we're handed the most important job we've ever had—keeping a human alive—without formal training, sleep, or a sense of stable identity. It makes sense that we would crave some form of order.

Lists feel productive. They give us a dopamine hit. They make us feel like we're being good moms—"on top of it" moms. But when the list becomes a measuring stick for your worth instead of a tool for support, something's out of balance.

I noticed I was using planning as a coping mechanism. When things felt chaotic, I'd add more tasks. More goals. More schedules. But instead of calming the noise, it turned up the volume. Because life with a baby doesn't follow a script. And no list could ever account for the unpredictable beauty and mess of motherhood.

What My To-Do List Looked Like (And Why It Broke Me)

Here's a glimpse at what a typical day's list looked like:

• Wash bottles
• Tummy time
• Send check-in email to pediatrician
• Fold laundry
• Meditate
• Respond to texts
• Cook a real meal
• Journal
• Research baby sign language
• Try to sleep before 10pm

It seems reasonable at first glance, right? But here's the reality: I never got through more than half. And instead of acknowledging what I did do (soothe a crying baby for two hours, manage my own postpartum pain, hold space for a million tiny decisions), I focused on what I didn't finish. I was measuring motherhood in checkmarks.

How I Knew I Needed to Change

There was one moment that broke the illusion for me. I was sitting on the floor folding laundry while my baby napped (finally), and I had this aching feeling of resentment—not toward my baby, but toward myself. I hadn't eaten lunch. My back hurt. I hadn't showered in two days. But I had folded the laundry, because it was "on the list."

And I realized: I was serving the list, not myself. I was living for the planner instead of using it to live better. That's when I knew something had to shift.

How I Reclaimed My Sanity Through Simpler Planning

Here's how I gently broke up with my to-do list—and built something softer, wiser, and more sustainable in its place.

1. I Created a "What I Did" List Instead

Instead of focusing on what didn't get done, I started noting what did happen. It rewired my brain to notice the value of presence over productivity.

• Rocked baby to sleep (twice)
• Ate toast while standing
• Watched the rain with the baby in my arms
• Texted back my sister
• Drank water—twice!

This gave me permission to feel accomplished, not ashamed.

2. I Chose Just One or Two Priorities Daily

I'd ask myself: What one or two things would make me feel nurtured today?

Some days the answer was "shower and stretch." Other days it was "make a call and journal." This created a rhythm that matched my bandwidth and left space for grace.

3. I Released the Illusion of "Doing It All"

We live in a culture that celebrates hustle—even in motherhood. But the most healing thing I did was give myself permission to do less with intention, rather than more with resentment.

4. I Integrated Planning With Emotional Check-Ins

Now, before I write a list, I pause and ask:

• How am I feeling today?
• What does my body need?
• Is this a list for support—or control?

That moment of mindfulness shifts everything.

5. I Let My Routine Follow My Nervous System

Some days I crave structure. Some days I need flow. Instead of judging myself for not sticking to the plan, I let the plan flex to fit me. Because I am not a machine—I am a mother in motion.

If Your List Is Hurting, You're Not Failing—You're Listening

Mamas, if your to-do list is making you feel small, behind, or never enough, it's not your fault. You're not lazy. You're tired. You're evolving. And your inner wisdom is asking for something softer.

It's okay to let the list go.

It's okay to write "rest" as your only task.

It's okay to simply be with your baby and let that count for everything—because it does.

Holistic Practices to Support Planning Without Overwhelm

• Keep a "Presence Log": Each night, jot down one moment you felt connected or grounded
• Use sticky notes with one task: One and done—toss it at the end of the day
• Record voice memos instead of writing: It's faster and less pressure
• Keep a "Done Jar": Fill it with notes about what you did instead of what's left to do
• Take 60 seconds before planning to breathe: Ground yourself before you strategize

You Know What Works For You

You don't need to abandon structure altogether. But you deserve to use tools that honor your humanity, not ones that demand perfection.

Planning can be sacred. But only when it's rooted in self-compassion.