Managing Unsolicited Parenting Advice

Expectations vs. Reality

I thought when you became a mom, love came at you from all these different directions — with warm meals being lost at my door, soft check-ins from friends, sheepish smiles of commonality from worn-out moms. And yes, those things came. But what flowed in after them — almost in a tidal wave — was advice. Mountains of it. Both unsolicited and often opposite, and sometimes cloaked in judgment, if well meaning.

I recall holding my three-week old daughter as if she were a fragile petunia, exhausted and not knowing if I was doing anything right. My phone buzzed with a text: "Are you still letting her nap on you? Beware, she may never sleep on her own again." That moment existed as a microcosm of so many others that followed: Nice people offering something they thought was helpful, but contrary to their intention, leaving me feeling anxious, doubting my instincts, and beginning to doubt whether I had already failed at something. When you're a first-time mom who's still trying to figure out your own rhythm, every piece of advice can feel like a course correction — even if you weren't exactly veering off course to begin with.

Why Does it Happen (And Why Do You Take It So Personally)

When folks give unsolicited parenting advice, so often it seems to come from a place of their own experiences, fears or memories. They want to help. They want to walk with you. But at times, they'd like to relive their own, too. It is difficult to see someone do things differently from how you did them, especially if you are holding onto your own doubts or pride in the way it ended.

But to a new mom, especially to one who is still struggling to trust herself, these suggestions can sting, like little emotional paper cuts. All it takes is that well-meaning tip to suddenly become a reason to doubt your intuition or start Googling something you were totally fine with five minutes ago.

Learning to Hold My Center

What most helped me wasn't attempts to control what other people said — it was how I took it in. These are the moves and triggers that helped me respond to unsolicited advice gracefully while doing what felt right for my baby and me:

Create a simple mental mantra

Once the advice deluge began, I found I had taken to whispering a nearly silent inner refrain: "I hear them. I choose what stays." That one sentence made room for me to hear things without taking them into myself. It taught me how to use discernment, not defensiveness.

Set loving boundaries early

This is the most difficult, particularly with family. But the more you stall, the more difficult it gets. I found gentle, simple phrases I could use when advice felt intrusive:

• "That's an interesting idea. We're doing something different here and it's working for us."
• "Thanks for sharing! So for now we're doing what our pediatrician is suggesting."
• "I respect your experience — I'll tell you if I want some tips."

Boundaries are not walls; they are fences with gates. They let others know where your peace resides, and them how to respect it.

Anchor in your values

One of the most grounding things I did was write down three core values I wanted to parent by. For me, it was connection, calm and confidence. I held every piece of advice I got — and there was a lot of it — up against those values. I thought about it if it fed them. I relinquished it if it was disruptive to them.

Filter guidance like a wellness product

I started treating parenting advice the way I do wellness trends: with a healthy degree of curiosity, but not blind receptivity. I wanted to know: Does this match my baby's personality? My lifestyle? My intuition? If not, I thanked the giver (silently or out loud) and moved on.

Use your support team wisely

Stepper advises building your own "board of advisors." For me, that list included my pediatrician and a more experienced mom friend and a postpartum doula. That small circle helped me drown out the noise and ground myself in evidence-based, judgment-free support.

Staying Graceful Without Losing Your Restraint

There's this notion that in order to be gracious, especially as a female, we need to smile and take. But true grace is also self-respect. It's completely possible to be a kind person who also has boundaries, an open-hearted giver who also stands up for herself. You can listen (and not act). You can respect someone's story without insisting that you make it your own.

You may also occasionally receive just the advice you need so much. Other times, it will make you laugh-cry to your partner after the kids are in bed. One way or another, let it flow through you. A whisper, not an instruction manual.

The Whisper That Matters Most

There's a murmur below all the sound. It's yours. It says: You're doing great. You know your baby. You know your way.

Whether the world is getting noisier, come back to that. Back to breath. Back to calm. Back to you.