Everyone Says "It Takes a Village"—So Where Is Mine?

The Myth We Bought Into (And What No One Warned Us About)

From the moment you see two pink lines or announce you're expecting, a chorus starts playing in the background: "It takes a village to raise a child." It sounds comforting—reassuring, even. Like there will be an invisible safety net of aunties, neighbors, friends, and warm casseroles catching you on the hard days. Except once the baby arrives, that magical village? It's...quiet. Awkwardly quiet. Like, you up? text message at 2 a.m. and no one's replying quiet.

The truth is, a lot of us walk into motherhood expecting—needing—that communal support we've heard so much about. And when it doesn't show up the way we imagined, it leaves behind something heavy: disappointment, loneliness, and a creeping sense that maybe we're the only ones who feel this way. If you've ever sat on your couch in milk-stained pajamas, baby finally asleep on your chest, and thought, Where is everyone?, you're not being ungrateful or dramatic. You're having a completely normal reaction to a system that tells women to "lean on others" without giving them a stable structure to do it. Let's unpack that—and more importantly, let's talk about what you can actually do when the "village" is more of a ghost town.

Where Did the Village Go?

Modern life isn't built for communal parenting. A generation or two ago, families often lived on the same block—or at least in the same zip code. Today? People scatter for jobs, cost of living, school zones, or just different life stages. That cousin who swore she'd "be there for everything"? She's a state away. Your best friend? Just had her second baby. And your partner? Likely back to work within days of your LO arriving.

Let's not even get into how social media warps this picture. You'll scroll past some influencer mom whose mother-in-law meal preps a month's worth of organic food, while your fridge holds leftover Chinese takeout and half a bottle of breastmilk. And yes, sometimes the hardest part is not being physically alone—it's the mental and emotional weight of doing everything, feeling everything, and not being truly seen.

You're Not Failing—You've Been Set Up

We've been handed the image of "the village," but none of the tools to actually build one. And that gap? It feels like failure. But it's not yours. It's a cultural, systemic failure that puts the burden of child-rearing entirely on individual moms, then shames them for needing help. Postpartum is already a wild mix of healing, hormones, and identity shifts. Add in isolation, and it can spiral quickly into anxiety, resentment, and burnout.

Here's the thing: feeling unsupported doesn't mean you're not strong—it means you're human. You weren't meant to raise a child alone. And even if your ideal support crew didn't show up how you hoped, there are ways to create the care and connection you deserve. Let's break it down.

The Emotional Weight We're Carrying

Let's list what most new moms are quietly juggling:

• Sleep deprivation that feels like tactical warfare
• A body healing from birth or surgery
• Feeding drama (nipple pain, formula guilt, pumping logistics)
• Crying spells (the baby's and yours)
• Googling "normal baby poop color" at 2 a.m.
• Pressure to enjoy every moment (because "they grow so fast")
• Oh, and managing a household like you didn't just go through a major life transformation

This is without adequate support. So if you're wondering why everything feels hard even though "you're just home with the baby," that's why. This job is 24/7, unpaid, and emotionally complex. It's okay to need backup.

What Can You Do When the Village Is Missing?

🧠 1. Redefine What "Support" Looks Like

Support doesn't have to mean five relatives showing up with meals and folded laundry (though that sounds amazing). It can mean:

• A mom in your apartment complex who swaps stroller walks
• A virtual therapist who sees you weekly on Zoom
• A postpartum doula for even just one morning a week
• A friend who texts, "Need me to drop off coffee today?"

Don't limit your idea of support to "family." Sometimes your chosen village can serve you better than your blood one.

📣 2. Ask for Specific Help (Not "Anything")

The phrase "Let me know if you need anything" puts the ball back in your court when you're already maxed out. Try saying:

• "Can you come hold the baby for an hour so I can sleep?"
• "Would you mind grabbing diapers if you're near Target?"
• "I'm having a rough day. Can you come over for 20 minutes?"

People want to help—they just need direction. You are not a burden.

📱 3. Join or Create Micro-Communities

Try:

• Peanut app to meet moms near you
• Local Facebook groups (search by zip code + "mom")
• Mom text chains (even if it starts with 2 people)
• Start a weekly stroller walk in your neighborhood

These might not replace a full village, but consistent connection—even virtual—can absolutely buffer loneliness and increase your mental well-being.

📋 4. Build a Postpartum Support Plan

Just like you had a birth plan (even if it got tossed), you deserve a postpartum one too. It should answer:

• Who can I call on bad days?
• Who can help with meals, errands, or childcare?
• What's my "emergency" plan if I feel overwhelmed or unsafe?
• What daily habits help me feel a little more grounded?

Write it down. Share it with your partner. Post it on the fridge. A plan makes the invisible work visible—and more likely to be shared.

💬 5. Talk to Your Partner (Even if It's Awkward)

Postpartum resentment is real. If you feel like you're carrying more than your share of the load—emotionally, physically, logistically—it's time for a sit-down. Say:

"I'm at capacity. I need us to figure out how to make this more manageable together."

And yes, you can cry while saying it. Or hand them the baby mid-sentence. Either works.

Final Thoughts: You're Not Alone—Even When It Feels Like It

The "village" may not look like what we expected. It might not be family. It might not even be in person. But it can exist. You can build it slowly, intentionally, and in ways that serve you.

Whether your version is one reliable friend, a postpartum group chat, or even just a standing therapy appointment—you are allowed to seek more than survival. You are allowed to thrive.

✅ Chloe's Real-World Checklist: How to Start Building Your Village

• Name 3 people you can text this week for practical support
• Download the Peanut app or search "local mom group + [your city]"
• Create a fridge-friendly Postpartum Support Plan
• Set boundaries with someone who drains you
• Plan one small act of self-care this week that involves someone else helping you