Is My Baby Behind?

The Milestone Comparison Spiral (And How to Break Free)

When everyone else's infant is on all fours, babbling, or doing half-backflips — here's how to quit the comparison mind-set and embrace the pace of your tiny human.

When Other Babies Achieve Milestones First (And It Hits You in the Gut)

There's a weird sucker-punch moment nobody prepares you for when you're sinking in the newborn trenches. You are up at 1 a.m., one hand holding a bottle, the other half-scrolling, half-numb, and there it is: a video of someone else's baby crawling at 6 months, saying full words, signing "more" with terrifying confidence. You blink at your baby — who is now spitting up all over his own foot — and wonder: Shouldn't she be doing more by now? Casual curiosity becomes a downward spiral. Suddenly you are up to your whatsits in milestone charts, developmental apps and a baby tracker detailed enough to ask if your child has written a symphony.

What nobody tells you is that this kind of mental spiral does not make you a "bad mom." It makes you a normal mom. Comparison anxiety — particularly about baby development — is a perfectly human response when you're in the middle of the greatest vulnerable, life-consuming identity shift of your life so far; how you choose to handle such anxiety is entirely up to you, unless a more institutionalized form of coercion is aggressively taking precedence before your own intuition and judgment. Pediatricians say it. Psychologists say it. And moms everywhere mutter it and murmur it in mom groups, on walks, in parking lots where we sit in our cars and sob because someone else's baby rolled over "early" a month ago. There is something personal in the fear that your child is falling behind, a direct challenge to your adequacy as a parent. And not just unfair — untrue. Let's talk about why.

Why We Compare (And We SWEAR We Won't)

Let's break this down. Dr. Leon Festinger's social comparison theory posits that when we are uncertain — like, perhaps, we are when we're raising a brand-new human without an instruction manual — we compare ourselves with others as a way of gaining validation and reassurance. It's wired into us. Not only are you wondering if your baby's doing what he's "supposed" to be doing, but you're looking for affirmation that you're doing okay, too. But while it's only human to wonder a little, contemporary motherhood is not giving you gentle nudges. It plunges us into instead is an endless scroll of #milestonemoments, "genius baby" TikToks and over-curated updates in mom chats that make you feel like the only one whose baby isn't reciting Shakespeare in the bathtub.

That is when comparison goes from being an educational tool to a ridiculous emotional toxin. "Try to connect back to the core values that are driving the behavior, and notice how shifting the values might make things easier," explains Dr. Becky Kennedy, a psychologist and relationship therapist and founder of Good Inside.

"Comparison fuels shame. And that shame disconnects us from our kids and from ourselves."

When we treat milestones as check-boxes on some figurative parenting report card, we lose the sight of the actual child who's sitting in front of us. Worse, we begin to take their pace as a judgment on our value.

Your Baby Isn't 'Behind.' They're Becoming.

Here's the reality: how babies grow follows highly varied timetables. There's no specific age when a child should crawl, walk, talk or clap, the CDC and American Academy of Pediatrics report. The range for crawling out, for example, is anywhere from 6 to 10 months — some babies go straight to walking and never truly crawl. A child's first words might occur at 12 months, 18, or 24, and still fall within the common standard deviation of the normal developmental range. The whole thing involves less checking off of boxes and more searching for progress over time, not perfection by a certain date.

"Babies and kids love routine, and they know the difference between a caretaker who sticks to the routine versus a fast return," says Dr. Mona Amin, pediatrician and founder of PedsDocTalk Dr. Mona Amin, pediatrician and founder, PedsDocTalk.

"Development isn't a race. It's a journey. Some babies are observant and soak it all in before making a move; others jump right in. How quickly you hit your stride will depend entirely on you and your dates of need, and on how easily your child adjusts to the environment. The most significant milestone is when your child feels safe and secure — which starts with the parent's peace.

So what if your friend's baby is babbling in three languages and your own baby is gnawing on the remote? That's not a sign of failure. It's a lesson that development is a process, not a timetable. And every baby has a rhythm of their own.

What Milestone Anxiety Is Really Doing to Us (And Our Babies)

This isn't just about timing. When we fetishize milestones, it does something more profound — it erodes our trust. Suddenly, we see our babies as results to optimize, not fellow humans to connect with. We're so consumed with planning "what's next" that we overlook the miracle of what's now. And that disconnection? It affects bonding.

Comparison of milestones is also damaging for our mental health. Moms who often compared their babies with others on social media also reported higher rates of postpartum anxiety and lower self-esteem in a 2022 study in Journal of Child and Family Studies. The more we scroll and compare, the more we doubt — and the less joy we take in our parenting experience.

So How Can We Break the Comparison Loop?

Let's get you off this ride, pall. Here are research-supported methods for staying grounded:

• Declutter your digital life
  Curate your social media with a mix of all sorts of parenting realities. Follow accounts that portray the messy middle, not just the highlight reels. Mute or unfollow anything that causes stress — it's not rude, it's self-preservation.
• Milestones are markers, not marks
  Developmental timelines are good for flagging concerns — not for grading your baby. If you are ever in doubt, consult with your pediatrician. Not the mom at playgroup with the baby that's already doing back handsprings in Gymboree.
• Expect progress, not perfection
  Be on the lookout for growth from your baby — how they are reacting more, moving more, investigating more than they did a month ago. THAT is your gold. Your baby's time line is unfolding, even if it's in hushed tones compared with someone else's.
• Name the feeling, not the failure
  Caught in a spiral? Say it: "I'm afraid I'm not succeeding." Let it breathe. Then remember: Your baby is not a test. You are not being graded. This is a relationship, not a show.
• Celebrate the soft skills
  Connection. Eye contact. Curiosity. Belly laughs. This is developmental gold, no matter that it won't show up on a milestone tracker. Babies learn through love. You're already giving that.

Parking Lot Cry? Yeah, Been There.

Let me fully out myself: once, when I was sitting in my car after a baby sensory class, I sobbed for twenty minutes because the baby next to mine was attempting to pull to stand (while mine was only barely able to tolerate tummy time). I was convinced I was letting her down. That I was "missing something," or not, you know, "doing enough."

But, weeks later, out of the blue, she sat up. Then crawled. Then cackled like a gremlin and ran like she had been saving it for months. Her timing wasn't late. It was hers. And that's when everything shifted for me.

Laugh, Cry, Breathe. You're Doing Great.

Your baby is not behind. Your baby is becoming. And you? You're a parent in a world that throws more pressure, more noise, more comparisons than ever before.

Why you even care to read this? To question? And wonder? and reach out for help? Basically, you're a freaking phenomenal parent.

So here's your mantra, mama:

"Progress, not pace. Connection, not comparison."

Now breathe deep, smooch that squishy little crown, and delete that app that makes you feel like less than.