It's Not Your Fault, Mama

But when your baby won't eat or sleep, it's all too easy to blame yourself here's how to relax, trust your instincts, and soothe both of you!

When you feel like a bad parent because of reflux

You'd pictured feeding time as a time for sweetness, a moment of bonding, closeness, and nourishment. But what just as often happens instead is that your baby yanks back, squinting in distress, his tiny body stiffening and shrieking. The milk dribbles down their chin, or sprays out with force, and you're wiping it off the two of you, unconvinced that you're doing something wrong. You rack your brain: Was it the spicy food I had? Did I burp her long enough? Maybe I should've stood him up a little longer? Now that voice in your head is starting to scream: Perhaps this is my fault.

If that sounds familiar, pause here for a moment. Just lay a few fingers on your chest lightly. Inhale through your nose. Hold. Breathe out gently through your mouth. You are not alone. And most important: You are not to blame. Reflux is very common in babies, as much as half of those under six months, but for a small minority, it becomes a lot more severe and has long-term side effects. But as common as it is, the emotional toll it takes on mothers goes largely dismissed. They expect you to just handle the destruction, troubleshoot on the fly and keep it together — even when your baby looks miserable and you feel helpless. I need you to hear this, on a deep level: This isn't your fault. And you don't have to harbor this guilt in silence anymore.

What Is Infant Reflux—and Why Is There So Much of It?

What is infant reflux? Infant reflux, also called gastroesophageal reflux (GER), occurs when the ring of muscle at the top of the stomach isn't fully developed. When this valve fails to close completely, stomach contents, including the milk and stomach acid, will reach the esophagus. This can lead to spit-up, discomfort, and sometimes crying or sleep disturbances.

There are two main types:

• Simple Reflux (GER): Common and often harmless, but stressful just the same.
• GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease): A more serious, sustained form that may need medical intervention and medications.

Symptoms can include:

• Spit-up or vomiting that is very frequent or forceful
• Fussiness after feedings
• Trouble sleeping or feeling anxious upon waking
• Curving or arching the back, becoming rigid or appearing to be in pain
• Coughing, choking or gagging during feeds.

Reflux tends to get better as your baby gets older — usually by 12 to 18 months, although that's not always the case. But North-Sproul notes that waiting it out can be emotionally draining, particularly if the crying seems endless, and the solutions seem out of reach.

Why Guilt Follows Reflux in Mothers

The most difficult thing for many moms about infant reflux is that they feel they have to figure it out alone. It's not the laundry, the ruined onesies or even the 3 a.m. screaming sessions that are the hardest part — it's the self-doubt that it precipitates, thanks to our culture's obsession with breastfeeding combined with an absence of basic information on the condition. The way that we are wired most deeply is to protect, soothe, and nourish. So when our little ones cry in pain after eating — something that is supposed to bring them relief — it hits hardest.

Reflux is a condition many mothers internalize as a sign that they're doing something wrong. It doesn't help that we're bludgeoned with advice: breastfeed more, or less; give formula, or change formula; eliminate dairy, try probiotics, feed upright, feed side-lying, feed paced. And when none of it appears to "fix" the problem, shame creeps in. It might seem as though your baby's fight is evidence of something lacking in you.

But here's a soft truth: reflux is not a mom problem. It is a developmental stage for baby's digestive system. Like teething, and then sleep regressions, it's a physiological phase — not a failure on your part. Your baby's body just doesn't know any better yet.

Easy Tips for Steering the Reflux (Without Losing Yourself)

There is no one-size-fits-all treatment for reflux, but there are things you can do to help ease your baby's discomfort and your own anxiety. The aim is not perfection but presence.

1. Feed upright and stay upright

Feeding your baby at a 30–45 degree angle and maintaining upright position for 20–30 mins after each feed. You can also wear your baby in a carrier after feeding her to get some arm relief.

2. Try feeding less, but more regularly.

Reflux may be exacerbated by overfeeding or high-volume feeds. Aim for shorter sessions, more frequently. This is particularly useful for babies being bottle-fed, in which case paced feeding can be really beneficial.

3. Observe, don't obsess

Logging when your baby feeds, spits up and sleeps can help identify patterns. But don't let yourself fall into the morass of bottomless data. Use that knowledge as information not a weapon.

4. Consider formula sensitivity

Some infants with reflux may do well with hypoallergenic or hydrolyzed formulas. If you're nursing, a lactation consultant or pediatrician might try to help determine whether cutting out certain foods will do the trick — but don't go it alone. You deserve guidance.

5. Ask for help early and often

Whether it's your pediatrician, a feeding therapist, a friend or a reflux support group, you don't have to figure it out alone. Be an advocate for your baby — and for yourself.

Don't Forget: You're Healing Too

Your baby isn't the only one feeling tender. Reflux has a way of grinding down your spirit, fraying your nerves, and causing even the most confident mom to question herself. How are you feeling? When was the last time you let yourself cry? Have you had anything else to eat? Slept more than ninety minutes recently? This season demands a lot from you. Allow me to gently remind you that you are important. Your nervous system is also important. The way you feel, extended, distraught, second-guessing – it all matters.

When It's More than Just Spit-up

If your baby is having trouble gaining weight, refuses to consume, is utterly inconsolable, or is giving signs of distress, like blood in spit-up or stool, do not be afraid to voice your concerns. Chronic reflux might indicate GERD or another underlying problem. You aren't blowing it out of proportion; you're being a mom.

The Calm After the Storm

The reflux cycle is finite, yet while you are in the midst of it, it may appear never-ending. Your clothes are all saturated, your baby's cries are all encompassing, and your nerves are frayed. However, you always come back. Every day. Feed following feed. Rocking back and forth. Is there a love-action.

You Aren't Broken, and Neither Is Your Baby

The way your baby behaves and feels is a reflection of your parenting. That chapter is just that. A chapter. A part of the journey through which grace, civility, and a lot of sleep come to you.