Why I Don't Feel Connected to My Baby Yet — And That's Okay

Second-trimester guilt is real—let's talk about it honestly

Here's a truth that rarely gets spoken aloud, especially in the curated world of "perfect pregnancies": sometimes, even when everything looks like it's going right on the outside—normal ultrasounds, a healthy bump, maybe even cute baby clothes piling up—you can still feel totally emotionally disconnected from the baby growing inside you. And when you do, the guilt is like static in the background. You start wondering: Shouldn't I feel more excited by now? More bonded? More… something?

If that sounds familiar, take a breath. You're not alone, you're not cold, and you're definitely not failing at pregnancy. The truth is, many expectant moms—especially in the second trimester—quietly wrestle with this exact experience. In fact, scroll through Reddit's pregnancy boards or peek into any unfiltered mom group chat, and you'll see post after post that sounds like: "I don't feel connected to my baby, and I feel horrible about it." It's more common than you think. The problem? No one talks about it in real life, and it can make you feel like there's something wrong with you—or that you're missing out on some secret emotional milestone. Let's bust that myth wide open.

The Second Trimester Is Supposed to Be "The Easy One," Right?

That's what everyone says. You're finally out of the nausea-and-naps fog of the first trimester, and the physical discomforts of the third haven't hit yet. The second trimester is when you're "supposed" to be glowing, feeling good, and bonding deeply with your bump. That expectation alone creates pressure. So when you're not weeping at every ultrasound photo or dreaming baby names with your partner over mocktails, it's easy to start spiraling.

But here's what's actually happening in your body and mind: your hormones are still fluctuating like a jazz band with no conductor. You might be sleeping better, but you're also juggling body image shifts, back pain, information overload (hello, stroller research), and trying to keep your head above water at work or with other kids. There's also the emotional lag—your body knows it's pregnant, but your brain might not have caught up yet.

Let's Normalize the Emotional Disconnect

There's this cultural assumption that maternal love is automatic—that as soon as you see those two pink lines, you're supposed to feel an unbreakable connection. But science and psychology tell a different story. Maternal-fetal bonding is a process, not a moment.

According to maternal mental health experts, emotional bonding can be influenced by everything from previous trauma to mental health conditions to simply being a Type A planner who hasn't paused long enough to feel. Many expectant moms keep their guard up emotionally until they feel more "proof" that the pregnancy is real (like feeling movement), or until their birth fears subside. For others, the love doesn't fully click until they're holding their baby—and that's okay, too.

Reasons You Might Not Feel Connected (That Have Nothing to Do With Your Worth)

• You haven't felt strong kicks yet. Early flutters can be missed or misread as gas, and without that sensory connection, it's easy to feel detached.
• The pregnancy still feels abstract. You haven't had a baby shower, you might not even be showing that much, and it feels like you're just waiting in limbo.
• You're managing high-functioning anxiety. It's hard to emotionally connect when your brain is running constant what-ifs.
• You've experienced loss before. Sometimes we distance ourselves emotionally out of protection. That's a trauma response—not a failure.
• You're simply tired, distracted, or overwhelmed. Bonding requires emotional bandwidth. Survival mode doesn't leave much room for that.

Practical Ways to Support Bonding Without Faking It

You don't have to force anything. This isn't about pretending to feel something you don't—it's about creating soft opportunities for a connection to grow over time. Like planting a seed and trusting it will bloom, even if you're not sure when.

1. Reframe "Bonding" to Include Quiet Awareness

You might not feel giddy every time you touch your belly, but you do care. That alone matters. Try recognizing moments of care—hydrating, resting, showing up to appointments—as quiet acts of love.

2. Let Your Partner or Loved Ones Join In

Sometimes watching someone else get excited can remind you that joy is still coming. Let them talk to your belly, write baby name ideas, or help pick out baby clothes—without pressure on yourself to "match" their energy.

3. Make Room for the Real Feelings

Guilt is loud, but it often masks something deeper: fear, grief, doubt. Try journaling (pen and paper, no pressure for pretty words) or voice noting your raw thoughts. Getting them out makes space for something else to grow.

4. Use Ultrasounds as Anchors

Seeing your baby on a scan—hearing the heartbeat, watching the flicker of movement—can create a bridge between abstract and real. Print it, save it, look at it when you're ready.

5. Give It Time (Yes, Really)

Some moms feel the rush of love after birth. Some don't until weeks or months later. Bonding is like building a relationship—it takes time, and no two look the same.

When to Reach Out for Support

If the emotional disconnect is paired with signs of prenatal depression—like chronic numbness, disinterest in everything, constant dread, or thoughts that scare you—please talk to your provider or a therapist trained in maternal mental health. This isn't about failing. It's about being cared for, too.

The Bottom Line: You're Still a Good Mom

You can love your baby without knowing what that feels like yet. You can be an incredible mom and still be figuring it out. You don't need instant fireworks to prove you care.

Connection isn't a checklist item—it's a relationship that grows in its own time.